I got a make-over!

Thanks to Emily Simpson, my blog got a make-over....this will make me more inclined to look at/write more on my blog now that it's pretty :-) Stay in touch and happy new year! :-)

Malawi: A part of me.

I remember thinking a couple days into the trip “how am I going to put any of this into words?” Even though it was my second time in Malawi, I found myself even more lost than before. In search for words and even more so, my purpose. Whenever I head overseas for a mission trip, I’m always struck with a sense of fear. Not knowing what to expect, yes, but also fearing that I’m not “doing” enough with my life. You would think it would be the opposite, walking into a third world country. I don’t feel established or ahead in life, but I ultimately always feel unfulfilled when thinking about my life back home. I was thrown into this trip very vulnerable; the way I needed to be for God to work through me, but more importantly in me.

Beauty. It’s one of the few words I can come up with when I think about Malawi. Pure, untouched beauty. I see it in the smiles of the children and I can feel it walking down the streets. It’s raw, it’s rare and it’s truly something that is hard to find. There is something so beautiful about taking life day-by-day and loving those around you with all you have. I find this easier to do with those I’m only with for a short time-one of the many lessons I learned while overseas: how important it is to love those around you incessantly.

At the beginning of the trip I was discouraged. I didn’t feel saddened by all the poverty; I didn’t feel like I had to “fix” any differences that I saw, I was almost numb to it all. After giving this a day or two to sink in I realized I was able to process what I was seeing this time around without being blinded by complete emotion. What I was feeling and more importantly, what God was doing were the things I was more aware of.

We spent most of our trip on a retreat for children enrolled in children of the nation’s program. We had children with us who were physically impaired, autistic, emotional behavior disorders and a few others. Along with the children, we had their caregivers and a sibling. So all 86 of us packed up and headed out to safari and lake Malawi for a couple days.

Lives were restored. We shared stories, cried, prayed and laughed together. I learned what community really meant. I learned that God is in everything…yes, everything. Children and parents swimming for the first time, sleeping on a bed for the first time in their lives and laughing, a lot. I learned that language is not needed to love. I learned that God is in a smile and a hug. God is aware of poverty and He is also ABOVE it. I learned complete surrender and experienced total rest for the first time. When we offer ourselves to our family, friends, co-workers, widows and the homeless, we are a step closer to understanding a glimpse of what love truly is and who God really is.

My thoughts: Breakaway-A family disability camp

It's now the second to last day of Breakaway and I'm completely speechless. I went into this week very discouraged, tired and alone. Feeling as though THIS was not the time for another camp in my crazy life. After the first couple hours, I was completely broken. Coming in on Monday with the rest of the "lead team" we got to share our stories. Our stories of redemption, hope and love. There is something about being emotionally naked with other believers that renews your soul. I began to realize that this was EXACTLY what I needed at this point in my life. Since Monday, I've experienced team work like I've never seen, love completely life changing and a God who is so merciful. Throughout the week I've been one of two people working in the children's department. We have 6 kids with us anywhere from Autism, Down's Syndrome to siblings of those children. Day 2 of teaching just ended and we are in the process of sharing the gospel in 3 days...yeaah. It's a challenge but God has been faithful through all of it. I can't even being to explain how thankful I am for lift disability(the organization that is heading the camp). It's a wonderful organization with an incredible vision--bringing families with disabilities together to experience Christ. I don't know how I got to be a part of this amazing journey, but I am eternally grateful for the group that is here serving.

Where does your inspiration come from?

I've been thinking a lot about what gives people inspiration. What makes you pursue your dreams, loves, talents? How do you discover what you love? These are the things that give me inspiration:

1. Reading a good book--preferably one by Torey Hayden, Donald Miller or something about Jim Elliot's life as a missionary.

Speaking of blue like jazz, have you seen the trailer to the movie yet??

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-EEzBTui8w&feature=player_embedded

2. A cup of chai tea, preferably at Boston's, with a good friend.

3. Bike riding, laying around....just being with friends...

4. Reading blogs, really about anything. I could sit around and do that all day. Nerd, I know.

5. Being around children with Autism/disabilites. I feel that once you know what your purpose is, you feel empty when you're away from it.

6. Capernaum.

7. Pandora. Favorite stations: Modest Mouse, Explosions in the sky, Ron Pope, Gavin DeGraw & The Rocket Summer

When having control isn't an option

I believe that we learn the most important lessons in life in the hardest ways. I’m not sure on the reasons why, but I know it’s true because of my experience. Trusting people and God has always been a difficult thing for me. I know what we are capable of as humans and I also have had a lot of unnecessary heartache (who hasn’t), which puts me in an interesting spot in life. Recently I saw this quote “There are times in your life that you have to choose between hardening your heart or keeping it soft. Keeping it soft is always the harder choice.” Needing to keep my heart open in situations is always painful for me and I think that is because of my lack of trust. Most of the time I have difficulty thinking that anyone has his or her best interest in mind for me. Who would better know that me? That’s what I think. This comes into play with my relationship with God daily. I try having control over each and more specifically certain situations where I know I could or will end up getting hurt. Isn’t this just like saying “I believe in some parts of the bible but not everything it has to say?” This has been on my mind a lot in the past couple weeks. When I don’t trust God in situations to take control, I’m just proclaiming that I will follow God the days it’s comfortable or when it’s convenient to me and when I don’t have to make an important decision. Instead of every day and every moment no matter the situation. Learning to give everything up is easier when I remember that God already knows the outcome of the event, what is best for me and what He is trying to teach me. Why should I worry when it’s already taken care of? Why should I worry when His plans are always better than mine? These questions just remind me how much I need to refocus the way I think and live. Instead of worrying, why am I not using my energy to thank God for already having my best interest in mind and KNOWING that He will follow through with His promises? After all, He always does.

Why do we love?

What’s love got to do, got to do with it? Okay sorry, easily sidetracked by Tina Turner jams sometimes but seriously—what DOES love have to do with anything? What’s the purpose of loving when a majority of the time it can be purely selfish? What’s the point when you don’t feel that love reciprocated? A verse that has been on my mind a lot-- Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates is own love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” This is a verse that many have memorized, but what does it really mean? Yes, Christ died for our sins, this is one of the basic principals of Christianity, but where does it come into our everyday walk with Christ? When I try to determine what love actually means, what it looks like, how it serves, I think of Christ. He is our ultimate example. How are we loving compared to this man?

I think back to Jesus’ last days on earth knowing that these were his last. Who did he choose to spend His time with? His disciples? No. His family? No. He was spending His time with those who were neglected, unloved and alone. Jesus KNEW His time was coming to an end and he still CHOSE to be with those that needed love the most. I can honestly say that even not knowing when my last breath will be, I probably wouldn’t choose to spend my free time with the homeless or even those poor in spirit. That is one picture of love that I cannot comprehend, a love unbounded.

When this topic was put on my heart I thought, “how do I even write about love?” It’s a topic that I have very little experience in. Well, I think maybe we all are still learning what it means to love unselfishly-it’s a daily process of denying ourselves and putting others above ourselves because that’s what our example, Christ, has done. Search and try to find out the reasons you love. Is it because you like the way it makes you feel? Or maybe because when you love, USUALLY you get some sort of reciprocated response? How about just loving solely because we were first loved? We know what love is because we know WHO love is.

A new way of living. What will it take?

I've been working through a lot of guilt recently, whether it is from past mistakes or legalism with my own faith, it's been a topic that keeps haunting me. With that said, I've been learning lessons that I've learned before, but this time they've hit me harder. I was listening to "beautiful" by Bethany Dillon yesterday and that song always reminds me that where I've fallen and where I've been are all things that have played a part of my character today but that does not mean that those sins, mistakes or shortcomings are who I am. God made the choice even before we were born to be committed to us and to love us unconditionally despite the things we were to do, experience or choose in our lifetime. Unfortunately we choose these things, sometimes not knowing why we chose them or the repercussions that they might have on our future relationships or path. When the mistakes we make and the feelings that those cause us become our future, that’s when we’ve lost sight of our purpose in life. Guilt is neither a quality that God possesses nor one that He wants me to feel.

I’m making my way through LOST for the first time (I tend to be stubborn and don’t like to be a part of things when they’re popular) and it’s taught me quite a few things about myself. I am a very judgmental person. I jump to conclusions for no reason and it’s awful. Why do we as humans do this? I think for me, whenever I do this it’s because I feel undermined or different than the person I’m judging. I find it hard getting along with and enjoying being around people who are different than me. I keep thinking about how backwards this is. All Jesus did was hang out with people completely different than Him. It’s been quite a wake up call for me to understand how important it is to surround myself with the people Jesus did--everyone. The homeless, the unreached, the prostitutes, the widows, the broken hearted, the rich, the poor….this is what I want to be a part of, something so much bigger than myself.

I hope that you experience the grace of Christ on this day. Sometimes….actually, all the time, it’s nearly impossible for me to understand His love for me. I wonder how different my life would be if I truly LIVED like I was redeemed, forgiven, loved and a daughter of the King. How would this change the way I saw everyone else? I challenge you to figure out what you need to do to live this way. We can’t afford to live half-heartedly for Christ. Let’s be a part of something bigger….something transformational.